for every mothering heart.

It’s quiet in the house this afternoon, and I am thankful. A part of this day feels like it’s for celebrating, and a larger part feels like it belongs to reverence. I’m never quite sure how to express that part best, but it’s weighty on my heart.

On a day when so many of us make a concerted effort to honor our mothers, we can’t help but reflect on the good parts and the hard parts that come alongside. As with most celebrations, there’s a bittersweetness that lingers with today as we recognize heartache, loss, mourning and longing in so many hearts around us–and perhaps in our own. I doubt that for any son or daughter, Mother’s Day is 100% about joy and completely void of sorrow or longing. I think of friends who have lost mothers and grandmothers in this past year, and of others who have lost children or longed for children…who are still waiting or working through deep, deep pain. There is no way to celebrate something so beautiful as motherhood without bringing up the hard parts of motherhood as well, which is why I sit here in the quiet, trying to flesh out what God would have for all of us on a day bearing such striking duality.

Mother’s Day is tricky, because it brings to light something so close to the human heart. God created us to desire the loving presence of a father and mother. He built us to long after Him, and while we most naturally think of God as a Father, He intends to fulfill the role of a mother in His love for us, too:

“For this is what the Lord says: ‘I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees.

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.

When you see this, your heart will rejoice and you will flourish like grass; the hand of the Lord will be made known to his servants…'” Isaiah 66.12-14

Gods promises are not limited to some of us, but rather extended to all of us. I have known some of the most beautiful mothering hearts, honoring their call to motherhood in ways they never expected or hoped for before God. And I know that God sees them and honors their steadfast commitment to His calling on their hearts, whether they are mothering biological children or adopted children, praying for someday children, or extending themselves as mothers to children not their own. Nothing that our God has done or called us to is ever casual or wasted.

When we experienced miscarriage (three years ago this past week), I had already given birth to Henry. While I mourned the loss of a baby we’d never know this side of Heaven, Mother’s Day came heavy that year. At the same time, I was afraid to allow myself room to grieve and feel pain, because I also felt guilty…How could I be sad when I had already had a child and other mothers did not? How could I justify feeling lonely or forgotten when I had a daily reminder of God’s faithfulness right in front of me? It took me a long while to understand that God saw my pain equally and grieved that pain with me, as the Comforter of all hurts and heartache:

“…Yet no sooner is Zion in labor than she gives birth to her children. Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?” says the Lord. Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?” says your God.

Rejoice with Jerusalem and be glad for her, all you who love her; rejoice greatly with her, all you who mourn over her. For you will nurse and be satisfied at her comforting breasts; you will drink deeply and delight in her overflowing abundance.” Isaiah 66.8-11

I am once again reminded that God is not mean, and He is not poor. He does not allow pain without a purpose for that pain. He does not carry us all the way through labor just to deny us delivery. Instead, He actually promises delivery for those of us who trust Him with our lives. With our hurts. With our infertility, our miscarriages, our tragedies, our deep, deep longings.

This Mother’s Day, I am convinced that the day leaves room for both celebration and mourning on purpose. God didn’t declare the holiday, but, as with all things, He has carved intention within it. Motherhood is beautiful. It should be celebrated, because it was designed in God’s image and is one of the most tangible ways we can reflect and experience God in our earthly lives. It is strong and delicate, and it will stretch those with motherly hearts just as far as we can possibly go. Today, I am thankful for all of the hearts of mothers that I have known, and I think especially of those who wait for God to define just how their motherly hearts will be used for His purposes. As I do with my own heart, I am trusting that God has designed yours with a deep purpose, and that He will continue to bring delivery as we experience the labor pains of His call to motherhood in our lives.

Happy Mother’s Day to every mama heart. I am so thankful for and humbled by each of you!

mm

 

 

looking forward. (28)

There are some things in life we just have on the calendar for a long time–big, life changing kinds of events that we look forward to, or count down to, or set the rest of our days by for a while. Tonight, as we helped prepare for a milestone day in our friends’ lives, I just couldn’t help but think how dear a thing it is to surround–and be surrounded, when life’s biggest moments come our way.

Big moments like weddings and babies take a lot of preparation and love from a whole community. It’s possible to have a wedding or a baby without pouring your heart and soul into it, but how much more wonderful when we can really devote time and energy, love and intention to these incredible events? Looking around tonight as friends, parents, grandparents, siblings, and other family committed their time and hearts to a young, Godly, and joy-filled couple on the night before their wedding day, it was hard not to bubble over with joy myself. So many people had gathered, representing all of the love and depth of relationship that these two have built over their short lifetimes. The delight was palpable as friends exchanged hugs and conversation, and as the bride and groom expressed their gratitude and love for their closest community–and for each other.

On nights like this, or on days when I have the privilege of being a doula at yet another beautiful birth, I’m so blessed by the chance to celebrate–in complete fullness, the joy of the moment for others. And it feels like I can finally pay forward all of the times that someone has celebrated wholeheartedly with me. I am certain that this is what the love of Christ and the necessity of community is all about. When we take the time to really step back and look at the beauty in our lives, it’s hard to ignore God’s presence, His gift of relationship to us through others, His desire to delight us in the little things and the very biggest ones. It’s no wonder we set our calendars by the big moments sometimes. They’re the absolute culmination of so many days…of paths walked, of journeys weathered, of love poured out and energy spent. And they set us on a course to the next thing, and the next–all stepping stones for us in this life, allowing us the opportunity to glorify our Creator, to share the marrow of life with others, and to experience the fullness of grace and joy in the monumental. What a gift we have in relationship and friendship with the people we love!

I am so humbled by the community that we’ve been blessed with here, after moving away from “home” in Chicago over a decade ago and setting up camp in this pretty little place. Without family nearby for a long time, God somehow created for us a new foundation that has evolved into the most marvelous non-nuclear family we could ask for. This amazing couple we’re celebrating all weekend is a piece of that–a part of our second family. And the dynamic and depth of friendship and support we have come to know and love so dearly is a very bright spot in our world. Looking to tomorrow for these friends, and then the next few weeks as our own countdown continues, the richness of life is just so palpable and apparent in this timing. I’m so grateful for these perfectly ordained moments in each of our lives, and for the chance to celebrate them together.

delighting in what’s ahead,

mm

a little love for the button. (31)

This morning, almost our whole play group and all of our kiddos gathered at a nearby park to have lunch together and to celebrate the Button. In a way it almost feels strange that baby’s arrival is close enough to shower, but with only 4.5ish weeks to go, it was perfect timing. I love these mamas and their little ones, and it has been sweet to share in the joy of each of our new arrivals as they’ve all been born. We started out with six moms and kiddos in play group, added another mom and her son, and then let time runs its course. Since we began gathering well over a year ago, four of the seven of us have had a second baby. The Button will be munchkin number 12 in the group, and no doubt #13 and #14 will follow close behind. We’ve started to joke that we’ll have to meet in public places only, or that the group will eventually need to divide into two smaller bunches to manage our growing crowd.

It was a good deal of fun to watch our two year olds interact today as they ran around together, up steps and down slides, round and round in the wood chips and grass. They’ve all changed so much–even though it seems like mere minutes since they were all under one, they’re now talking and having little conversations, interspersed between sharing and paling around like old friends.

Between manning the littles and trying to catch up with each other on the latest since our last group gathering, it was a busy morning. And it was a beautiful one. The weather was more spring-like than summery, we had a delightful lunch to celebrate baby (PB&Js shaped like onesies, fruit salad, blueberry zucchini muffins, cheese, crackers, and pink and blue rice crispy treats), and Henry and I had fun opening up some lovely gifts for his soon-to-arrive brother or sister. It’s such a humbling thing to be celebrated, and the whole morning was a sweet reminder of community–and of the friendships God has blessed me with on this journey of motherhood.

Even though we still have plenty we’d love to do before baby gets here, I’m feeling super grateful that there are few things we know for sure no matter when baby comes. He or she is already so loved and wanted here. We are surrounded by amazing friends and family who will help us to usher in this new life, and there’s no way our world won’t be better and changed by such a sweet little addition. I can’t wait to wash baby’s new blankets and items from today that will make his or her arrival feel even more tangible and close!

thankful for all that God provides!

mm

in celebration of being born. (83)

Today has been a delightful day. All day long, H has been wishing me a happy birthday–taking my face in his little chubby hands and getting up really close to whisper it to me like a beautiful secret. Have I mentioned I love my boys? And this precious babe doing flip flops in my belly? Somehow, the gift of life inside makes celebrating my own birthday particularly poignant and sweet this year.

I woke up this morning and had a good snuggle with the munchkin. On my way downstairs for breakfast, Henry met me with a trio of birthday balloons. He and J and Grammy (J’s mom) had blown up a whole bunch and decorated the living room with festive color. Then of course, H helped me to open my birthday gift (“Here Mommy! It’s a car!”), along with sweet birthday cards, a new top from Grammy, and the like. Mid-morning, we headed out to meet my mom, dad, stepmom and stepsister for brunch and had the loveliest time. Despite the drizzly and chilly day outside, my birthday was looking up!

Next up on the festivities list? A visit to IKEA for nursery accoutrements and random two dollar treats for H. For a couple with family living ten minutes from the big blue destination, we sure hadn’t been in a long time! It was fun to dream up ideas and visualize the Button’s space becoming more of a reality in the days to come. 28 weeks today, world! We’re getting ever closer to meeting our babe!

The rest of the day was nice and mostly normal…packing up to come home, making the return drive to our side of the lake, picking up ice cream from our favorite place on the way for a late night treat (it’s waiting in the freezer for me to hit publish on this post at this very moment ;). H conked out in the car for the ride home and summed up my evening sentiments quite nicely, new IKEA truck nestled safely in his lap:

We returned to the little blue house at the tail end of it all, and tucked the small one into bed with hardly a fuss. Now I’m just sitting here grateful–for all of the fullness of the day and the richness of my life here on this planet in such a time as this. It has been a weekend abundant with celebration!

I am so fortunate to be surrounded and loved, so blessed by dear friends and family and life all around me!

h told me all weekend that i was going to have a chocolate cake with brownies on top and colored things. i’d say this does the trick!

here’s to thirty one! it’s gonna be a beautiful year, i think. ;)

mm