every good and perfect gift.

Eloise is twelve days old today. Naturally, the past twelve days have been a mix of beauty, adjustment, re-entry, sleepiness, joy, challenge, and great blessing. We are acclimating to life as a family of four, and I, as a mama to two–two babes that God has entrusted to our care, and two who serve as an all day reminder of the responsibility God has placed on my life as a mother. I have never experienced a greater sense of calling, nor have I been more humbled by the way God has surrounded me with His presence and care.

For so long, I prayed over the details of my second labor and delivery, and for so long, I battled new fears and self doubt–all the while wanting desperately for God to be glorified in the process of His creation and design. Someday soon I’ll tell the story of all that God did to be present and to cover Eloise’s birth and my heart. For now, I’ll simply say that He is good, and that His love is palpable and accessible and wonderfully present these days. Ellie’s labor and delivery were just the very beginning of this humbling season…

I hardly know where to begin telling the post-birth chapter. We shared the news of our baby girl’s arrival, and love poured right on in from the very first minute. God has shown up in visits and prayers, in thoughtful gifts and wonderful, home-cooked meals. He has shown up in sweet, sweet times on our couch with dear friends as they meet Eloise, in overly-generous gestures of celebration and shared joy. He has been present in dishes washed, laundry done, vacuuming checked off the list. And most especially, He has cared for our hearts in the care of our sweet Henry. Family and friends have certainly not forgotten (and most definitely celebrated) H’s new, big brother status and the challenges that can come with such change. In turn, I have been blessed with the joy of watching our eldest enjoy others, and also with the gift of time for our new little one. Getting to know her with room enough to still snuggle our first munchkin has added peace to my heart.

I’ve learned a lot in twelve days, and I’ve had to realize over and over again that God’s overflow is something I can’t begin to measure. The cup and portion are simply too big. In the same ways that Henry has taught us so much about joy and laughter and discernment, I have a feeling that our new little lady has been delivered to us to teach us a new depth of love and a softness that our lives could all use. She brings with her a peaceful calm I can’t ignore. What gifts from The Lord!!

Before long, I’ll begin to write thank you notes and make a very feeble attempt to express our gratitude for all that God is doing through those around us. It will, no doubt, feel an insignificant gesture by comparison to the love we’ve witnessed these past few weeks. Even still, maybe God will doubly bless those who bless us. May it be so!

admiring God’s handiwork in the new life before me, and thanking Him over and over again for the gifts of love and friendship that have come along with ellie’s arrival,

one grateful mama

midnight snack.

Milk for you. Cheerios and blueberries for me. Just in case you ever wonder when we started having sleepovers–we didn’t wait one bit. You and me? We’re having a pajama party every night these days. Loving this snugly time with you when you’re just a bundle of scrunchy, warm love in my arms.

We pretty much exist in our own little world at this time of day–you, making sleepy-eyed faces at me and I, singing made up songs and trying to learn you in every move and detail. I’m fairly certain we get along alright so far. :)

loving you at every hour of the day and admiring your pretty little face,

your mama

one week.

Sweet Baby Girl,

You are officially one week old (and almost a day, because I’m posting this to you so late). There’s so much I want to say to you already, and I’m not sure I’ll ever keep up with all of my thoughts for you from here on out, but I’ll certainly try. You’ve been home now for five days, give or take, and we’re all in love with you. I’ve never been so smitten, really…except for when we brought your brother home, which was equally as joy-filled and wonderful. All day long I keep thinking to myself, “This is the very best part of the day!” and the thing is, it’s true every time. You are as sweet as sweet can possibly be, and I just can’t get enough of you. Everything about you is a precious, precious gift!

Each day that’s gone by, I’ve wanted so badly to write you–and to tell you all about the day and what we did together as a family. Time is flying so quickly, though, and between caring for you and keeping up with your enthusiastic big brother, your daddy and I have had our hands full. We’ve spent the past number of days home as a family, learning how to be four and taking you in. Today was daddy’s first day back to work and I was admittedly a bit nervous. I didn’t know how I’d manage a newborn and a toddler all at once without sort of losing my wits, but we did it! Your daddy came home and we were all in one piece–showered, dressed, fed, somewhat rested, happy. And tonight, I’ll go to bed thrilled that you and H have both had baths, that there’s laundry in progress, that the dishes are done…the little things that will make a difference in our day tomorrow. Today went by more quickly than I imagined, as I suppose many of them will from here! I’m eager to explore the world with you and Henry together, and to watch you learn and grow with each other in a beautiful way.

Your big brother is quite taken with you and loves to hold and kiss you regularly. Today, he probably checked on you a dozen times in a span of 15 minutes, and each time he would say, “I will go check on Eloise! I will see if she is sad, or happy, or scared, or worried, or confused, or angry, or just fine.” It was the cutest thing, and he’d come back each time to tell me you were ok (and sleeping), and to repeat the process all over again. You’re in good hands with him to watch over you, Miss Eloise! I’m so glad that God gave you a big brother as thoughtful and gentle and loving as Henry, and I know you’ll be thankful, too.

You are a champion sleeper at the moment, really only waking to eat and staying awake a short time. You’ve even blessed your mama with 4 or so hours in a row of sleep each night for the past few–something I never expected but am so thankful for as I care for you throughout the day. We are working together to learn each other and to be in sync as best we can. I so love having you out in the world–just as much as I loved carrying you around in my belly for all of those months!

Ellie B (I’ll explain later…I know you’re Ellie Jo:), you are an absolute delight! I can’t wait to tell you so much more about who you are at this age, and how much joy and light you’re already bringing to our lives. For now, I’d better tuck in for a bit while you sleep–that way, we can all face the day with energy together tomorrow.

I love you so very much…I feel like I could burst!

certainly the luckiest,

your mama

this would have been (3).

Two and a half days ago, life was looking very different. Tonight, I’m sitting here, admiring my baby girl’s sweet face and enjoying the comforts of home. The boys are upstairs sleeping, the house is completely quiet, my heart is unbelievably full.

Our sweet peanut arrived just as I had prayed and hoped–six days early and healthy, healthy, healthy–praise The Lord! I’m totally overwhelmed by this new little life in our hands.

I skipped the blog last night because it just didn’t feel quite right to interrupt our time in the hospital, and it still feels kind of strange to be blogging from home, even now. Sometime in the next few days I’ll be back to tell the story–to share more about our babe and what God has been doing here. And I promise there will be plenty of pictures:)

In the meantime, we’ll be tucked in quietly, adjusting to the new normal, squeezing BOTH of our kiddos as often as possible, and resting whenever we’re given the chance. It’s a beautiful season I want to capture in every detail–it’ll just be soaking itself into my heart a bit first before I share it here on the blog.

looking forward to connecting with all of you very soon…

mm

a birthday and such.

Well, today turned out to be a bit busy from start to finish…for all of the most perfect reasons! We’ll be back to the blog tomorrow at some stage, but for tonight, 2,000 words in pictures:

The loviest of loves. Indeed.

i’m going to bed one blessed and overjoyed mama tonight,

mm

worship. (6)

I suppose I didn’t figure I’d have so much time. Daily I envision going into labor, and then I tuck that vision down into the folds of the day and do my best to plan out a course of activities and distractions that will make the most of the unplanned time God is giving. When I really think about it, I’m grateful for all of the little moments I didn’t count on just to be safe. I’m thankful to hug H with his sibling still tucked in my belly. Thankful not to juggle car playing or story time or any of the rest of his routine with a new, new baby. I want this little one here with us so badly, and yet, there’s a lot of beauty in these waning days as mama to one.

I’ve shared this before and I’ll share it again, as it’s still on my heart this week…still part of the process for me with baby no. 2. My impatience has been a battle. I have to work hard at pressing into God regularly to summon what I need for strength. And maybe it sounds trite or silly, but what it comes down to is my desire to give this whole thing my best shot–to give these days my best self, and this pregnancy my best attitude, and this labor and delivery my best strength. In all of it, I’m also desperately wanting to honor God. I’ve wondered how I do that with moments of ingratitude or frustration filtering in. Today, it seems obvious.

This morning I woke up with an absolute craving to go to church. I’ve been thinking back to Easter morning the day my labor started with Henry, and I still remember being so grateful that God allowed me time to celebrate Christ’s death and resurrection that morning–amongst our church body and the beautiful worship setting that was created there that day. I was so refreshed by that space, and I know it prepared my heart for what God was bringing into our lives in the hours ahead. A posture of worship was exactly what I needed.

It turns out that a posture of worship is often what I need, and this morning proved no exception. As I lifted my voice to God today, everything else went silent. The troubles of the day, my apprehensions and worries. All I could feel was an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the life filling up my belly, for the God I serve who has provided this celebratory season, and for the gift to worship freely as loud as I could sing. I’m certainly more emotional these days than normal, but the tears that flowed as I sang were purely out of a place of unbelievable joy. I could have stayed in that space for hours.

This evening we attended outdoor baptism, and celebrated with over 40 people who made a public declaration of their faith as the perfect summer day blessed us with sunshine and blue skies and a cooling breeze. Coming together as a body of believers–to worship in song and through prayer and baptism, was the perfect way to extend this morning’s worship. It was also a great reminder again of how God surrounds us with His love in every moment. Even in the waiting and the expectant, impatient hope, there is so much peace just praising God for what He’s doing inside of me, who He has created, and how He has ordained the days of this baby’s life. I’m so blessed to cling steadfastly to this truth while I battle my selfish desires and honest discomforts.

I can’t help but think about how pregnancy (and a pregnant belly) is a great analogy for the truth we understand through scripture in 2 Corinthians 4.16-18, that “we do not lose heart. Thought outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Isn’t that a beautiful reality? And in this waiting stage of the game, I am leaning in so as to not lose heart. Why? Because this pregnancy gig is a light and momentary thing, and because the long term impact of this season can be so glorious in the long term. When I put down my human impatience and selfish desires to meet this baby ASAP, I can see all of the goodness that God is affording me with His timeline. Who would know better? God, or me? I think the answer is in the peace I find when I set my sights on Him…when I press in with all that I have to what He has for me. When I worship, unabashedly and enthusiastically and with sincere joy. There is so much more of a gift in the waiting than I could realize now. But in time…

praising all that is good and holy about this process. and trusting God.

mm

in the waiting. (7)

I never expected to be this stir crazy. I am so taken with pregnancy and so much of what it entails, and I want to just love every last bit of it to pieces. Turns out I’m also really human. And I really, really want to meet this little person. The idea of seeing his or her face is fueling me forward and driving me nearly in circles. I think I ask God for peace and patience in every hour.

This morning was particularly hard for me. I woke up at 5:30a to a contraction, and they kept coming–every seven minutes, for two hours. I rested in bed, but my wheels were also turning. I’d tell J when he woke up. We’d have a slow morning with Henry. I wouldn’t have to wake anyone…I’d just call at a normal time of day to say that this was it–that things were in motion. I got up and started doing random things around the house that I suddenly wanted done. I was trying to strike a balance between being really excited and really practical. And then the contractions stopped.

Oh, the struggle I had for the next few hours, trying to figure out why this is my journey this time–nothing like the last time at all, and so much more like a tug of war for my heart. I’m wanting to have peace on everyone’s behalf, and instead, I’m here trying just to find some semblance of contentment while my mind swirls. What is with this newfound impatience? Where are all of my prayers going as I send them up? I know God hears and sees me, so what is the purpose in all of it?

Trust. I think it comes down to this very simple thing. God is saying to trust Him and His timing and His will for this baby’s entrance into the world. I also think God is asking me to quiet my heart in an otherwise noisy room. I thought I was good at this, and in seasons, I am. Right now, I feel like I’m attempting to learn the skill all over again.

I sat quietly on the couch this morning while the boys were still sleeping and prayed and read and tried to center myself on the thing I know. God is here and with me and has it all under control. I tried to exercise my ability to open up my hands and release the day, this week, my “due date,” the circumstances of this labor and delivery…all of it. And there were moments today when that happened. For this, I’m super grateful.

What’s working best is keeping somewhat busy and surrounding myself with lovely things and lovely people as I wait. And attempting to have a great deal more patience with myself than what I’m normally capable of. This is challenging with all of the tiredness and emotions in the mix, but I’m relying on God’s help to get to the right place. It’s probably when I do that this baby comes freely and without reservation. I pray that he or she will feel ushered into this world surrounded by a crazy amount of love and peace.

Tonight, I’ll go to bed tired and hopeful. Hopeful for a great new day tomorrow, for even more joy in the waiting, for grace to extend to myself and others. And tomorrow we’ll be one day closer to this little peanut and the newness of things again with a baby, fresh from Heaven, added to our lives.

it’s all worth the waiting, and i know that. i’m just having to relearn and relearn and relearn. ;)

breathing. deeply.

mm

it’s on. (8)

When I started this 100 day countdown during my pregnancy with Henry, I never really thought about not making it all the way to my 100th post. That is, until I was in labor with six entries to go. I was determined then to blog that day and not miss a beat. I still don’t know if that was rash, or sensible, or just a good distraction for me between contractions. Regardless, I love having the account of that day on record, and it’s still a funny story to tell when J and I relive Henry’s birth if someone asks.

Now, I’ve been sort of teetering between just hoping and then somewhat expecting this second baby to arrive early…not just because H did, but because he was nine pounds when he made his entrance. I think it’s been easier for me to imagine that baby #2 would be early and no bigger than his or her older brother, but I know there’s not really a science to it in the end. Some second babies follow suit after their siblings. Some, not at all. Some subsequent babies are bigger, some are smaller–it’s just too hard to know for sure. Even so, I’ve been hopeful that I wouldn’t be twiddling my thumbs trying to drown out curiosity on days six, five, four…minus two. Besides, I’m just dying to know if we have a little brother or a little sister tucked in here, and the waiting is wonderful but SO hard.

As I look at the above eight day countdown, I can’t help but wonder whether baby no. 1 or baby no. 2 will carry the record for longest number of days in utero. I’m not trying to tempt this little one, but it will be interesting to see what happens. Labor and delivery seem so tangible now, and yet so far away. Every day I’m just trying to plan something that’s a distraction or a good use of time–to keep my mind off of things, and also to fit in little projects and such that I’ll be glad to have done already when I’m toting a newborn and trailing a toddler. The days ahead are sure to be marvelous and memory-filled, but probably also a bit hazy and sleepy and overwhelming at times. I know that regardless, my heart will be very, very full.

So the race is on. Will baby no. 2 outstay Henry’s residence in this belly of mine? If so, by how many days? Will I be blogging into negative numbers next weekend? Only our good and gracious creator knows, and there’s no doubt He has a plan better than any I could think up or envision on my own.

have patience, mm. have patience. maybe this will become my labor mantra ;)

molly madonna

bump love (and single digits!) (9)

We were so blessed to have a dear friend take photos of our little family a few weeks back. It was such a fun night out at the beach, and I will treasure these images forever. I haven’t seen them all yet, but here’s a few I just adore from our time together…So excited for this little peanut to get here and join our family! We’re in single digits towards our countdown–is that crazy or what?!

so smitten with the button!

mm

err (extra rest required). (10)

In the interest of being authentic, I am simply exhausted today. It’s been a long week, and there’s no doubt that the waning countdown is contributing. Henry is an absolute bundle of energy–he must think I’ve totally lost my edge since I can’t possibly keep up. I love our little chatter box…I’m just not feeling at all chatty lately. My mind is certainly taking a break whenever it can.

I don’t remember ever being this tired when I was pregnant with H, and I worked far more back then. The toddler factor has it’s influence now–I suppose I’m more aware of it than I’d hoped. We’re so close! I just want to somehow be storing up energy to get through labor and delivery well. :)

If you’re the praying type, I’d covet your prayers for good sleep and energy to fill the gaps where I’m lacking. I know that God sees my need and can meet me here…and in labor when the time comes! I’d be so happy to have better reserves for Henry and everyone else around me, too.

I’m going to keep this short tonight, since I’m fading fast. Regardless of my exhaustion at the end of this day, I still meant every word I wrote yesterday! It’s a different kind of joy to press into God for strength, and I’m going to go to bed tonight focused on that very thing.

yawning through these last days, but so grateful for the reason!

mm